The Mirror and Me:
Not quite friends, no longer enemies
When you were pre-surgery would you
look in the mirror? I mean really look
in the mirror? If you were like me, you
looked in it as long as it took to make
sure there wasn't anything in your teeth
or your hair wasn't unintentionally sticking
up in an odd direction. I avoided mirrors.
I even avoided my reflection in a car
window or a puddle in the street. I despised
looking at myself. I felt disgusting.
I felt like I thought I looked. Fat.
Ugly. Undesirable. My self-esteem was
at an all time low although you would
never have known it. I never showed any
outward signs. I never let anyone see
that the person inside was battling a
demon.
I realize now that how I felt back then
was a symptom. The demon I was battling
was clinical depression. While no one
knows the exact cause of depression,
there are known triggers. One of those
triggers can be a traumatic life event
such as job loss, relationship breakdown,
or the death of a loved one. I suffered
two of the aforementioned events in a
very short amount of time. Not only did
I hate my situation and myself, I also
felt hopeless to change it.
Enter help. I got some. My pride took
a big hit at first, but in the long run
it was the best thing I could have done
for myself. After many months of therapy
and medication, I was well enough to
consider having the surgery that I can
now say has changed my life in so many
other ways. Gastric Bypass surgery, as
we all know, is a life-altering event
in and of itself. Why do you think you
meet with a clinical psychologist prior
to the surgeon? It is necessary to determine
your mental fitness. In other words,
you have to be ready, really ready, for
what is about to happen to you mentally
and physically.
I had Gastric Bypass surgery in December
2002. I had no complications. I had surgery
on Wednesday, was home on Friday and
back to work the following Tuesday. I
did have pain but managed it with Tylenol.
I am not a typical patient. I
had no co-morbidities, was in better
physical shape, and was younger than
the average patient. This all worked
to my benefit.
I still struggle though. I struggle
every day to make the right (and if not
the right, then the better) choices.
I can no longer eat beef. I can no longer
eat anything with a high concentration
of sugar, as I am very susceptible to 'dumping
syndrome'. However, I've lost almost
100 pounds. And I'm down to a size 16/18
from a 26/28. Aside from vitamins B12
and D deficiencies that I manage with
supplements, I have had no other ill
effects. I realize that I will never
be a fashion model and I'm okay with
that, but what I can be is a model patient
and share this with others.
One problem with losing the equivalent
of a small person is that something amazing
happens - people start to notice that
you exist. In particular, members of
the opposite sex begin to take notice.
Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes
a not so good thing. The thought of dating
frightened me terribly and the thought
of being intimate with someone was almost
more than I could handle. After recovering,
working so hard on myself and learning
to focus on my needs, it occurred to
me that while the demon was in remission,
it would always be there. How could I
show my naked body to someone with all
the scars, stretch marks, and saggy skin
screaming 'ugly'? As much as it would
be great to have someone in my life that
I could do 'stuff' with to maintain an
active lifestyle, this seemed to be something
I would have great difficulty dealing
with.
I did what I think most people would
do - I avoided. I avoided successfully
until one day he found me. I wasn't looking
but then the conversation started and
something amazing happened. I felt comfortable.
I felt so comfortable I told the truth,
the whole truth, and much to my surprise
he didn't run away horrified; he sat,
he listened, and he asked questions.
He wanted to know. He was genuinely interested
in everything about me. We went on a
couple of dates and then the moment of
truth arrived. Could I do this? Could
I forget the surface view and focus on
the deeper feelings? I've always had
difficulty with intimacy, but somehow
this was different. I felt empowered
enough to say what was on my mind. My
reassurance came when he gently kissed
each of the seven scars on my abdomen
(one appendectomy) and told me that he
would be attracted to me no matter how
I looked because he was attracted to
me as a person first and that my scars
were part of me. I make him laugh, I
make him think, I make him happy and
he does the same for me.
When it comes right down to it, I'm
very happy. Life is good. I'm thankful
I had the procedure and would do it again
without even a second thought. I'm grateful
that I feel good and best of all, I'm
happy that I look good - no, make that
great - and I'm thrilled that I have
a great guy to share my new-found happiness
with. So while I don't linger too long
in the mirror, I do stay there for a
few minutes to see the changes and notice
the smile on my face.
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